This is a supplemental post to my Feminism Basics essay, but it can also be read on it's own. It is clear to me that there are a lot of people out there who don't understand what abuse is, and that breaks my heart. Therefore, I've made this post to defineit. See here for my companion post on what makes relationships healthy.
Neglect
Neglect is a form of mistreatment by individuals resulting from inadequate attention, especially through carelessness or disregard for the needs of others.
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These are commonly reported types* of neglect received by Adult Protective Services agencies:
Physical neglect: includes failing to attend to a person’s medical, hygienic, nutrition and dietary needs, such as dispensing medications, changing bandages, bathing, grooming, dressing, or failure to provide ample food to maintain health.
Emotional neglect: includes causing emotional pain, distress or anguish by ignoring, belittling or infantilizing the needs of adults. This includes neglecting or discounting the emotional well being of others, as well as actions to isolate adults from visits or contact by family and friends.
Abandonment: involves deserting the caregiving needs of an individual while neglecting to arrange sufficient care and support for the duration of the absence.
Financial neglect: involves disregarding a person’s financial obligations such as failing to pay rent or mortgage, medical insurance or invoices, utility and garbage bills, property taxes and assessments.
Self-neglect: involves seniors or adults with disabilities who fail to meet their own essential physical, psychological or social needs, which threatens their health, safety and well-being. This includes failure to provide adequate food, clothing, shelter and health care for one’s own needs. You can learn more about self-neglect here. (source)
Emotional Abuse
Unlike physical or sexual abuse, where a single incident constitutes abuse, emotional abuse is made up of a series of incidents, or a pattern of behavior that occurs over time. Emotional abuse is more than just verbal insults, the most common definition of emotional abuse. Emotional abuse is a series of repeated incidents – whether intentional or not – that insults, threatens, isolates, degrades, humiliates, and/or controls another person.
It may include a pattern of one or more of the following abuses: insults, criticisms, aggressive demands or expectations, threats, rejection, neglect, blame, emotional manipulation and control, isolation, punishment, terrorizing, ignoring, or teasing.
Harassment, physical and sexual abuse, and witnessing abuse of others are also forms of emotional abuse.
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Emotional abuse is not only under-reported, but it's effects are minimized. The famous childhood verse, “Sticks and stones my break my bones, but names will never hurt me” is simply not true. In fact, many physical and sexual abuse survivors have said that the emotional abuse was often more devastating and had longer-term effects.
Emotional abuse cuts to the core of a person, attacking their very being. Emotional abuse, if frequently enough, is usually internalized by the victim, and leaves them feeling fearful, insignificant, unworthy, untrusting, emotionally needy, undeserving and unloveable, and as if they were bad, deserving of punishment, and to blame.
Survivors of emotional abuse often have a hard time understanding my they feel so bad. The abuse may not sound like much, and often people around them will minimize the experience, telling them it's not so bad. But a climate of disregard for a person's feelings, where one is subjected to constant or frequent criticisms, being yelled at, or being ignored – has a deep and profound effect, attacking the very self-image and confidence of a person. (source)
And:
There are many signs of an abusive relationship. The most telling sign is fear of your partner. If you feel like you have to walk on eggshells around your partner—constantly watching what you say and do in order to avoid a blow-up—chances are your relationship is unhealthy and abusive. Other signs that you may be in an abusive relationship include a partner who belittles you or tries to control you, and feelings of self-loathing, helplessness, and desperation.
[and]
When people think of domestic abuse, they often picture battered women who have been physically assaulted. But not all abusive relationships involve violence. Just because you’re not battered and bruised doesn’t mean you’re not being abused. Many men and women suffer from emotional abuse, which is no less destructive. Unfortunately, emotional abuse is often minimized or overlooked—even by the person being abused.
Understanding Emotional Abuse:
The aim of emotional abuse is to chip away at your feelings of self-worth and independence. If you’re the victim of emotional abuse, you may feel that there is no way out of the relationship or that without your abusive partner you have nothing.
Emotional abuse includes verbal abuse such as yelling, name-calling, blaming, and shaming. Isolation, intimidation, and controlling behavior also fall under emotional abuse. Additionally, abusers who use emotional or psychological abuse often throw in threats of physical violence or other repercussions if you don’t do what they want.
You may think that physical abuse is far worse than emotional abuse, since physical violence can send you to the hospital and leave you with scars. But, the scars of emotional abuse are very real, and they run deep. In fact, emotional abuse can be just as damaging as physical abuse— sometimes even more so. (source)
And:
Emotional abuse is elusive. Unlike physical abuse, the people doing it and receiving it may not even know it’s happening.
It can be more harmful than physical abuse because it can undermine what we think about ourselves. It can cripple all we are meant to be as we allow something untrue to define us. Emotional abuse can happen between parent and child, husband and wife, among relatives and between friends.
The abuser projects their words, attitudes or actions onto an unsuspecting victim usually because they themselves have not dealt with childhood wounds that are now causing them to harm others.
In the following areas, ask these questions to see if you are abusing or being abused:
Humiliation, degradation, discounting, negating, judging, criticizing:
Does anyone make fun of you or put you down in front of others?
Do they tease you, use sarcasm as a way to put you down or degrade you?
When you complain do they say that “it was just a joke” and that you are too sensitive?
Do they tell you that your opinion or feelings are “wrong?”
Does anyone regularly ridicule, dismiss, disregard your opinions, thoughts, suggestions, and feelings?
Domination, control, and shame:
Do you feel that the person treats you like a child?
Do they constantly correct or chastise you because your behavior is “inappropriate?”
Do you feel you must “get permission” before going somewhere or before making even small decisions?
Do they control your spending?
Do they treat you as though you are inferior to them?
Do they make you feel as though they are always right?
Do they remind you of your shortcomings?
Do they belittle your accomplishments, your aspirations, your plans or even who you are?
Do they give disapproving, dismissive, contemptuous, or condescending looks, comments, and behavior?
Accusing and blaming, trivial and unreasonable demands or expectations, denies own shortcomings:
Do they accuse you of something contrived in their own minds when you know it isn’t true?
Are they unable to laugh at themselves?
Are they extremely sensitive when it comes to others making fun of them or making any kind of comment that seems to show a lack of respect?
Do they have trouble apologizing?
Do they make excuses for their behavior or tend to blame others or circumstances for their mistakes?
Do they call you names or label you?
Do they blame you for their problems or unhappiness?
Do they continually have “boundary violations” and disrespect your valid requests?
Emotional distancing and the “silent treatment,” isolation, emotional abandonment or neglect:
Do they use pouting, withdrawal or withholding attention or affection?
Do they not want to meet the basic needs or use neglect or abandonment as punishment?
Do they play the victim to deflect blame onto you instead of taking responsibility for their actions and attitudes?
Do they not notice or care how you feel?
Do they not show empathy or ask questions to gather information?
Codependence and enmeshment:
Does anyone treat you not as a separate person but instead as an extension of themselves?
Do they not protect your personal boundaries and share information that you have not approved?
Do they disrespect your requests and do what they think is best for you?
Do they require continual contact and haven’t developed a healthy support network among their own peers? (source)
Emotional abuse, while not leaving a physical mark, is devastating. Like the articles mentioned, it is commonly dismissed – and that is a major concern, considering the amount of damage it causes. While an abusive relationship might not be physically or sexually abusive, it isalwaysemotionally abusive.
Physical Abuse
Physical abuse is any intentional and unwanted contact with you or something close to your body. Sometimes abusive behavior does not cause pain or even leave a bruise, but it’s still unhealthy. Examples of physical abuse include:
Scratching, punching, biting, strangling or kicking.
Throwing something at you such as a phone, book, shoe or plate.
Pulling your hair.
Pushing or pulling you.
Grabbing your clothing.
Using a gun, knife, box cutter, bat, mace or other weapon.
Smacking your bottom without your permission or consent.
Forcing you to have sex or perform a sexual act.
Grabbing your face to make you look at them.
Grabbing you to prevent you from leaving or to force you to go somewhere. (source)
And:
Physical Abuse
Pushing, Shoving
Hitting, Punching, Slapping
Physical intimidation, by “getting in your face,” punching walls or breaking things
Physically restraining someone to prevent their leaving
Sexual abuse, including rape
Use of a weapon (source)
And:
We typically think of physical abuse as hitting, punching, or perhaps kicking another person. But physical violence doesn’t necessarily have to be directed toward you to count as domestic abuse. Your partner may instead be cruel to your pets, punch walls, or behave destructively towards beloved objects in the house. For instance, to intimidate you, they may break a favorite possession of yours—something that has sentimental value to you because it represents your connection to a friend or family member. (source)
I want to stress that unwanted contact close to you and physical intimidation both count as physical abuse. You can easily be physically abused without being left bruised and bloody.
Sexual Abuse
Sexual abuse refers to any action that pressures or coerces someone to do something sexually they don’t want to do. It can also refer to behavior that impacts a person’s ability to control their sexual activity or the circumstances in which sexual activity occurs, including oral sex, rape or restricting access to birth control and condoms.
It is important to know that just because the victim “didn’t say no,” doesn’t mean that they meant “yes.” When someone does not resist an unwanted sexual advance, it doesn’t mean that they consented. Sometimes physically resisting can put a victim at a bigger risk for further physical or sexual abuse.
Some think that if the victim didn’t resist, that it doesn’t count as abuse. That’s not true.
This myth is hurtful because it makes it more difficult for the victim to speak out and more likely that they will blame themselves. Whether they were intoxicated or felt pressured, intimidated or obligated to act a certain way, sexual assault/abuse is never the victim’s fault.
Some examples of sexual assault and abuse include:
Unwanted kissing or touching.
Unwanted rough or violent sexual activity.
Rape or attempted rape.
Refusing to use condoms or restricting someone’s access to birth control.
Keeping someone from protecting themselves from sexually transmitted infections (STIs).
Sexual contact with someone who is very drunk, drugged, unconscious or otherwise unable to give a clear and informed “yes” or “no.”
Threatening someone into unwanted sexual activity.
Pressuring or forcing someone to have sex or perform sexual acts.
Using sexual insults toward someone. (source)
Disrespect
Disrespect means “contempt; rudeness.” It is the opposite of respect, which is essential in any relationship. We will talking about disrespect a lot in this post.
Fighting
We know that conflicts are inevitable, and that you can have conflict and still be in a healthy relationship. There are two types of conflicts, and one is healthy while one is not.
But is there a difference between “arguing” and “fighting?” Actually, there is. And the difference can mean creating either understanding and harmony, or confusion and bitterness.
So what’s the difference between arguing and fighting and what is it that most of us do? A lot of families simply engage in trading insults, taking nasty swipes or expressing mean sentiments. That’s not arguing. That’s much more indicative of fighting and it’s very destructive. (source)
And:
Healthy couples don't fight - they argue. There's a big difference.
Fighting:
Raising voices
Bringing up the past
Name-calling
Problem-focused (source)
Fighting is extremely destructive and unhealthy and it tears down a relationship.
Aggressiveness
The definition for aggression is “hostile or destructive behavior or actions.” Obviously, it is extremely unhealthy.
Passive Aggressiveness
Passive aggression, [cut], is a deliberate and masked way of expressing covert feelings of anger.
Couched in backhanded compliments, insulting gifts, hostile sticky notes, and behind angry smiles, passive aggression involves a variety of behaviors (hence, the overuse of the term) designed to get back at another person without the passive aggressor having to own up to or articulate their true feelings. Passive aggression is motivated by a person's fearof expressing anger directly.
Passive aggressive people take genuine pleasure in frustrating others. They are masters at getting others to act out their angry feelings - to explode and appear crazy - while the passive aggressive person sits back and watches the emotional outburst with satisfaction, total control, and always with their own poise intact. (source)
And:
Passive aggressive behavior takes many forms but can generally be described as a non-verbal aggression that manifests in negative behavior. It is where you are angry with someone but do not or cannot tell them. Instead of communicating honestly when you feel upset, annoyed, irritated or disappointed you may instead bottle the feelings up, shut off verbally, give angry looks, make obvious changes in behavior, be obstructive, sulky or put up a stone wall. It may also involve indirectly resisting requests from others by evading or creating confusion around the issue. Not going along with things. It can either be covert (concealed and hidden) or overt (blatant and obvious).
Passive aggression is a destructive pattern of behavior that can be seen as a form of emotional abuse in relationships that bites away at trust between people. It is a creation of negative energy in the ether which is clear to those involved and can create immense hurt and pain to all parties. (source)
And:
1. They can’t – or won’t – speak honestly about their feelings.
A person who shows signs of having a passive-aggressive personality will rarely admit when they’ve been hurt. They won’t vent about a bad day or wonder aloud if someone is upset with them. Instead, they will immediately go on the offensive. They’ll say they are fine – which we all know means freaked-out, insecure, neurotic, and emotional. Then, they’ll plan carefully to hurt the person they feel has wronged them. These people are incapable of addressing their feelings in a way that is healthy. So, a passive-aggressive personality will take the battle where they feel comfortable – on the low road. They hide their true emotions behind a toxic screen.
2. They purposefully exclude others.
When angry at a co-worker, a passive-aggressive personality will not choose to confront the problem head-on. However, they will take action. They might invite everyone else to a work lunch and leave them out. They may accidentally-on-purpose leave their name off an important email. These covert attacks are impossible for the target to ignore.
However, they’re unlikely to lead to confrontation. Nobody likes to appear paranoid or overly sensitive. A seasoned passive-aggressor knows this, and will take advantage. They create a toxic environment in which the passive aggressive personality gains control at their target’s expense.
3. They do small things to gain the upper hand.
They may arrive late on purpose. They know you’ll wait. They may play on their phone why you’re trying to address a serious problem. They’ll leave their dishes in the sink when you’ve asked them twice to put them in the dishwasher. A passive-aggressive personality will do these things to avoid conflict, but their motives don’t stop there. They are also asserting their power over you. These little moves are all about control.
4. Their kindness always comes with an edge.
This is another way that a someone with a passive-aggressive personality will attempt to build a sense of dominance. They will never give you genuine praise. Instead, they will use your accomplishments as a way to toot their own horn. “You are such a talented soccer player,” they might say. “I always wanted to join a team, but I was too focused on studying. It’s so hard to get into Harvard these days!” They may also use your strengths to bring you down. They know just how to disguise toxicity as kindness.
“Congratulations on that promotion! I wish I qualified for the diversity initiative.” “You look gorgeous in that dress! I’d want one of my own – but I think I’m too thin to pull it off.” Don’t be fooled. There are no good intentions in these back-handed compliments.
“Lingering, bottled-up anger never reveals the ‘true colors’ of an individual. It, on the contrary, becomes all mixed up, rotten, confused, forms a highly combustible, chemical compound then explodes as something foreign, something very different than one’s natural self.” Criss Jami explained the results of passive-aggressive behavior in his book Healology. While passive aggression may appear to avoid conflict in the moment, it ultimately does the opposite. It makes our conflict exponentially more toxic. Our resentments will hide within us. We will feed them there, and they will grow. (source)Passive aggressiveness is much more subtle, and thus harder to spot, than pure aggressiveness.
Manipulation and Control
Manipulate means “to negotiate, control, or influence (something or someone) cleverly, skilfully, or deviously.” Control means “to exercise authoritative or dominating influence over.” Both are fundamental parts of abuse. You will have noticed that both words have popped up multiple times above, and they will continue to do so.
Now, giving and taking is part of any healthy relationship. I am not talking about if you nicely interfere and say to your sibling/best friend, 'let it go' or 'it's not worth it.' That familiarity comes with any close relationship.
That is also very different from controlling anyone. See the definition above? We're going add to it. Dominate means “to exert a supreme, guiding influence on or over.” So control means someone is trying decide and dictate everything another person should think or do (either overall or just in that moment). It is not a suggestion, but an order.
In other words, control and manipulation are all about zero-sum power. Here is a list of 14 different ways someone can be manipulative:
Psychological manipulation can be defined as the exercise of undue influence through mental distortion and emotional exploitation, with the intention to seize power, control, benefits and/or privileges at the victim’s expense.
It is important to distinguish healthy social influence from psychological manipulation. Healthy social influence occurs between most people, and is part of the give and take of constructive relationships. In psychological manipulation, one person is used for the benefit of another. The manipulator deliberately creates an imbalance of power, and exploits the victim to serve his or her agenda.
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1. Home Court Advantage
A manipulative individual may insist on you meeting and interacting in a physical space where he or she can exercise more dominance and control. This can be the manipulator’s office, home, car, or other spaces where he feels ownership and familiarity (and where you lack them).
2. Let You Speak First to Establish Your Baseline and Look for Weaknesses
Many sales people do this when they prospect you. By asking you general and probing questions, they establish a baseline about your thinking and behavior, from which they can then evaluate your strengths and weaknesses. This type of questioning with hidden agenda can also occur at the workplace or in personal relationships.
3. Manipulation of Facts
Examples: Lying. Excuse making. Two faced. Blaming the victim for causing their own victimization. Deformation of the truth. Strategic disclosure or withholding of key information. Exaggeration. Understatement. One-sided bias of issue.
4. Overwhelm You with Facts and Statistics
Some individuals enjoy “intellectual bullying” by presuming to be the expert and most knowledgeable in certain areas. They take advantage of you by imposing alleged facts, statistics, and other data you may know little about. This can happen in sales and financial situations, in professional discussions and negotiations, as well as in social and relational arguments. By presuming expert power over you, the manipulator hopes to push through her or his agenda more convincingly. Some people use this technique for no other reason than to feel a sense of intellectual superiority.
5. Overwhelm You with Procedures and Red Tape
Certain people use bureaucracy – paperwork, procedures, laws and by-laws, committees, and other roadblocks to maintain their position and power, while making your life more difficult. This technique can also be used to delay fact finding and truth seeking, hide flaws and weaknesses, and evade scrutiny.
6. Raising Their Voice and Displaying Negative Emotions
Some individuals raise their voice during discussions as a form of aggressive manipulation. The assumption may be that if they project their voice loudly enough, or display negative emotions, you’ll submit to their coercion and give them what they want. The aggressive voice is frequently combined with strong body language such as standing or excited gestures to increase impact.
7. Negative Surprises
Some people use negative surprises to put you off balance and gain a psychological advantage. This can range from low balling in a negotiation situation, to a sudden profession that she or he will not be able to come through and deliver in some way. Typically, the unexpected negative information comes without warning, so you have little time to prepare and counter their move. The manipulator may ask for additional concessions from you in order to continue working with you.
8. Giving You Little or No Time to Decide
This is a common sales and negotiation tactic, where the manipulator puts pressure on you to make a decision before you’re ready. By applying tension and control onto you, it is hoped that you will “crack” and give in to the aggressor’s demands.
9. Negative Humor Designed to Poke at Your Weaknesses and Disempower You
Some manipulators like to make critical remarks, often disguised as humor or sarcasm, to make you seem inferior and less secure. Examples can include any variety of comments ranging from your appearance, to your older model smart phone, to your background and credentials, to the fact that you walked in two minutes late and out of breath. By making you look bad, and getting you to feel bad, the aggressor hopes to impose psychological superiority over you.
10. Consistently Judge and Criticize You to Make You Feel Inadequate
Distinct from the previous behavior where negative humor is used as a cover, here the manipulator outright picks on you. By constantly marginalizing, ridiculing, and dismissing you, she or he keeps you off-balance and maintains her superiority. The aggressor deliberately fosters the impression that there’s always something wrong with you, and that no matter how hard you try, you are inadequate and will never be good enough. Significantly, the manipulator focuses on the negative without providing genuine and constructive solutions, or offering meaningful ways to help.
11. The Silent Treatment
By deliberately not responding to your reasonable calls, text messages, emails, or other inquiries, the manipulator presumes power by making you wait, and intends to place doubt and uncertainty in your mind. The silent treatment is a head game where silence is used as a form of leverage.
12. Pretend Ignorance
This is the classic “playing dumb” tactic. By pretending she or he doesn’t understand what you want, or what you want her to do, the manipulator/passive-aggressive makes you take on what is her responsibility, and gets you to break a sweat. Some children use this tactic in order to delay, stall, and manipulate adults into doing for them what they don’t want to do. Some grown-ups use this tactic as well when they have something to hide, or obligation they wish to avoid.
13. Guilt-Baiting
Examples: Unreasonable blaming. Targeting recipient’s soft spot. Holding another responsible for the manipulator’s happiness and success, or unhappiness and failures.By targeting the recipient’s emotional weaknesses and vulnerability, the manipulator coerces the recipient into ceding unreasonable requests and demands.
14. Victimhood
Examples: Exaggerated or imagined personal issues. Exaggerated or imagined health issues. Dependency. Co-dependency. Deliberate frailty to elicit sympathy and favor. Playing weak, powerless, or martyr.
The purpose of manipulative victimhood is often to exploit the recipient’s good will, guilty conscience, sense of duty and obligation, or protective and nurturing instinct, in order to extract unreasonable benefits and concessions. (source)
The Four Horsemen
Otherwise known as The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. Originally from the bible, renowned marriage psychologist John Gottman uses the term to describe the four behaviors that are extremely destructive for any relationship. We will be using the same two articles (here and here) for all four definitions:
Criticism
The First Horseman shows itself by attacking and blaming your spouse’s personality or character. For instance: “You are just lazy! You never take out the trash!” Criticism seems to be close to complaining, but it is different. It is an attack on the very nature of the person in question. Complaining is about expressing anger, displeasure, distress or disagreement about your spouse behavior or an event.
You can tell the difference by the way it is said: Criticism begins by saying “YOU are…. (fill in the blanks)” while a complaint starts the sentence with “I...(need, don’t like, etc.)”
And:
Criticizing your partner is different than offering a critique or voicing a complaint! The latter two are about specific issues, whereas the former is an ad hominem attack: it is an attack on your partner at the core. In effect, you are dismantling his or her whole being when you criticize.
Complaint: “I was scared when you were running late and didn't call me. I thought we had agreed that we would do that for each other.”
Criticism: “You never think about how your behavior is affecting other people. I don't believe you are that forgetful, you’re just selfish! You never think of others! You never think of me!”
Contempt
The Second Horseman. Here the intention is to insult and psychologically abuse your partner. Here are some examples of this:
Insults and name-calling.
Hostile Humor - using contemptuous jokes or stories.
Mockery - the subtle put-down.
Negative Body Language such as sneering and rolling your eyes.
And:
The second horseman is contempt. When we communicate in this state, we are truly mean - treating others with disrespect, mocking them with sarcasm, ridicule, name-calling, mimicking, and/or body language such as eye-rolling. The target of contempt is made to feel despised and worthless.
"You’re ‘tired?' Cry me a river. I've been with the kids all day, running around like mad to keep this house going and all you do when you come home from work is flop down on that sofa like a child and play those idiotic computer games. I don’t have time to deal with another kid - try to be more pathetic…"
In his research, Dr. Gottman found that couples that are contemptuous of each other are more likely to suffer from infectious illness (colds, the flu, etc.) than others, as their immune systems weaken! Contempt is fueled by long-simmering negative thoughts about the partner - which come to a head in the perpetrator attacking the accused from a position of relative superiority. Contempt is the single greatest predictor of divorce according to Dr. Gottman’s work. It must be eliminated!
If you find yourself in the second situation, you're likely displaying contempt for your partner, and it could be putting your relationship in jeopardy.
Contempt, a virulent mix of anger and disgust, is far more toxic than simple frustration or negativity. It involves seeing your partner as beneath you, rather than as an equal.
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“Contempt,” says Gottman, “is the kiss of death.”
Defensiveness
The Third Horseman is evident when our automatic response to thinking we are being attacked is to react defensively. This may have been a lifesaver when we were running from wild creatures in pre-historic times. But when it occurs in arguments, it only escalates the conflict.
Here are some behaviors to look for, in yourself and others:
Denying Responsibility - “I’m not to blame.”
Making Excuses - “I couldn’t help it. There were forces beyond my control…." "The dog ate my homework!”
Disagreeing with Negative Mind-Reading - Mind-reading shows up when one person says they know what you’re thinking. If you start to argue about what they think you’re thinking, the whole thing spirals out of control. “You think I’m lying. Well… I’m not.” They may not be thinking that at all.
The Rubber Man/Rubber Woman Game - This is reminiscent of the childish saying “I’m rubber; you’re glue. Whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to you!”
And:
We’ve all been defensive. This horseman is nearly omnipresent when relationships are on the rocks. When we feel accused unjustly, we fish for excuses so that our partner will back off. Unfortunately, this strategy is almost never successful. Our excuses just tell our partner that we don’t take them seriously, trying to get them to buy something that they don’t believe, that we are blowing them off.
She: “Did you call Betty and Ralph to let them know that we’re not coming tonight as you promised this morning?”
He: “I was just too darn busy today. As a matter of fact you know just how busy my schedule was. Why didn't you just do it?”
He not only responds defensively, but turns the table and makes it her fault. A non-defensive response would have been:
“Oops, I forgot. I should have asked you this morning to do it because I knew my day would be packed. Let me call them right now.”
Although it is perfectly understandable for the male to defend himself in the example given above, this approach doesn’t have the desired effect. The attacking spouse does not back down or apologize. This is because defensiveness is really a way of blaming your partner.
The fourth horseman is Stonewalling
This happens when one spouse shuts down and erects a brick wall to end the argument. It turns out men do this more than women, probably because men are more easily physiologically overwhelmed than women. What looks like a neutral position is actually the ultimate powerful act of aggression.
And:
Stonewalling occurs when the listener withdraws from the interaction. In other words, stonewalling is when one person shuts down and closes himself/herself off from the other. It is a lack of responsiveness to your partner and the interaction between the two of you. Rather than confronting the issues (which tend to accumulate!) with our partner, we make evasive maneuvers such as tuning out, turning away, acting busy, or engaging in obsessive behaviors. It takes time for the negativity created by the first three horsemen to become overwhelming enough that stonewalling becomes an understandable "out," but when it does, it frequently becomes a habit.
~*~
Lots for you to take in, and lots of crucial points. Let's now put all of these definitions together. Hopefully you have seen some obvious parallels already.
- Emotional abuse is a pattern; an isolated incident, or fight, does not count. These things need to happen over and over. It is also an umbrella – many of the specific things we talked about fall under it:
- The Four Horsemen count as emotional abuse.
- Fighting falls under emotional abuse.
- Aggressiveness and passive aggressiveness are destructive and disrespectful, as well as hostile, so they count as emotional abuse.
- Aggressiveness and passive aggressiveness are actions of criticism or contempt.
- Manipulation and control both count as emotional abuse.
- Contempt is the most destructive horseman, as well as the definition for disrespect.
You see that last point? Contempt, the most damaging and destructive horseman, is the definition for disrespect. Contempt is never respectful. Aggressiveness is also never respectful.
I cannot be any more clear: Nothing is more important than respect. Therefore, nothing is more damaging than disrespect.
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