The Definitions of Healthy Love

This is a supplemental post to my Feminism Basics essay, and a companion post to my piece on defining abuse. There I go over the things not to do in relationships. Here I go over what to do, and what is truly important. Many of the articles I quote are focusing on romantic relationships; however the topics discussed in them are true for any relationship. Therefore, these quotes are relevant to everyone.

Respect

Respect is essential to a healthy relationship. According to the dictionary, it means “an attitude of deference, admiration, or esteem; regard.” Some synonyms are: appreciation, esteem, awe, consideration, honor, recognition, deference, dignity, and regard. Respect is a very positive and uplifting thing.

Mutual Respect. If you don't have this - well, it's going to be a tough road. This doesn't mean you agree with everything your partner says or does. It does mean that you have admiration for each other, and steady undercurrent of love and trust throughout your relationship. You also have each other's back. 

John Gottman, a pioneer in studying couples and marriage, could tell within minutes whether a couple was in it for the long haul or if they weren't going to make it - with startling accuracy. How could he tell? If there were any signs of contempt in the couple's interaction with each other, the relationship usually didn't make it. 

Abuse, whether it is physical, verbal, or emotional, defies mutual respect in every way, shape and form. You have to have mutual respect to have a healthy relationship. (source)

And:

Respect, respect, respect. Inside and outside the relationship, act in ways so that your partner always maintains respect for you. Mutual respect is essential to a good relationship. (source)

And:

It is useful, I think, to compare and contrast parent-child relationships with husband-wife relationships. In both of these, respect is absolutely essential for the relationship to work. Love without respect is dangerous; it can crush the other person, sometimes literally To respect is to understand that the other person is not you, not an extension of you, not a reflection of you, not your toy, not your pet, not your product. In a relationship of respect, your task is to understand the other person as a unique individual and learn how to mesh your needs with his or hers and help that person achieve what he or she wants to achieve. Your task is notto control the other person or try to change him or her in a direction that you desire but he or she does not. I think this applies as much to parent-child relationships as to husband-wife relationships. 

Love brings bliss to both types of relationships, but only if tempered by respect. Love adds joy and provides the emotional bonds that help carry the relationship through hard times. The attachmentaspect of love is even more valuable in our relationship with our spouse than in that with our children, because marriage, at least in principle, is forever. 

My children have moved on, and I had to be prepared for that right from their beginning; but my wife and I will be together until death do us part. It is not unseemly to speak of my wife as my “better half,” but it would be unseemly to speak of my child in such terms. Our children do not and should not see themselves as part of us; their job is to move on, beyond us, into a future that we will never know. And if we see them as part of us, we will be torn apart when they leave. 

Love is not all you need, nor all your wife or husband needs, and certainly not all your children need. We all need respect, especially from those who are closest and most intimately connected with us. (source)

And:

“At the heart of my program,” writes Gottman, a University of Washington psychology professor, “is the simple truth that happy marriages are based on deep friendship. By this I mean a mutual respect for each other's company,” plus an intimate knowledge of each other's quirks, likes and dislikes. (source)

Trust

Trust means “firm belief in the integrity, ability, or character of a person or thing.” It goes hand in hand with respect.

Foster Trust: Trust is the foundation for quality relationships. When you trust your partner, you believe the person is someone you can count on. You know your partner won't brush you off if you went broke or had a serious illness. You know your mate won't kick you when you are down. You don't worry about patterns of lies and betrayals. They are not present in any meaningful way. (source)

And:

Secure Attachment. To be human is to be emotionally connected to others. The foundation of all successful relationships is safety, security, and trust, the very same emotions that good mothers communicate to their infants. Couples and families with this foundation know they can turn toward each other during periods of stress and anxiety. In contrast, couples and families in crisis tend to turn away, isolate, or attack, making things worse. (source)

And:

Make trust and forgiveness your default mode 

If and when they have a disagreement or argument, and if they can’t resolve it, happy couples default to trusting and forgiving rather than distrusting and begrudging. (source)

And:

Be trustworthy. To be trusted one must behave in trustworthy ways. Never give your partner any reason to doubt your loyalty or devotion. Whenever you are away from each other check in regularly to let them know you're okay. (source)

Assertiveness

The healthy alternative to aggressiveness or passivity is assertiveness:

Behaviorally, assertiveness is all about asking for what you want in a manner that respects others. Assertive people don't shy away from defending their points of view or goals, or from trying to influence others. In terms of affect, assertiveness means reacting to positive and negative emotions without aggression or resorting to passivity. (source)

It's crucial to note the first sentence. It is all about respect. Yes, we have circled back to that. I cannot stress how important it is.

Arguing

We know that conflicts are inevitable, and that you can have conflict and still be in a healthy relationship. There are two types of conflicts, and one is healthy while one is not.

But is there a difference between “arguing” and “fighting?” Actually, there is. And the difference can mean creating either understanding and harmony, or confusion and bitterness. 

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Arguing, on the other hand, is a lot more productive than that. It’s usually characterized by the effective expression of opposing ideas and feelings and usually evolves from an atmosphere of caring, understanding and of feeling safe. And arguing is much more likely to result in coming to a happy and mutual resolution than fighting is. (source)

And:

I've never seen a healthy couple that doesn't argue. They never fight, however - they argue. If a couple comes into my office and tells me they've never argued, something isn't quite right. You can argue without fighting. Arguing is non-combative - you and your partner state your points of view without name-calling or raising your voice. Sometimes you agree to disagree - and that's okay. (source)

And:

Healthy couples don't fight - they argue. There's a big difference. 

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Arguing: 

Calm voices 

Mutual respect 

Focused on one issue 

Solution-focused (source)

Arguing is productive and healthy; it helps build a relationship and makes it stronger.

I Statements/Complaints

In my companion post on defining abuse, I go over criticisms versus complaints. As shown there, complaints are the healthy option and always start with 'I'. Therefore, they are more commonly known as 'I statements'.

An “I” message or “I” statement is a style of communication that focuses on the feelings or beliefs of the speaker rather than thoughts and characteristics that the speaker attributes to the listener. For example, a person might say to his or her partner, “I feel abandoned and worried when you consistently come home late without calling” instead of demanding, “Why are you never home on time?” 

Thomas Gordon developed the concept of an “I” statement in the 1960s and contrasted these statements to “you” statements, which shift blame and attributions to the listener. “I” statements enable speakers to be assertive without making accusations, which can often make listeners feel defensive. An “I” statement can help a person become aware of problematic behavior and generally forces the speaker to take responsibility for his or her own thoughts and feelings rather than attributing them—sometimes falsely or unfairly—to someone else. 

When used correctly, “I” statements can help foster positive communication in relationships and may help them become stronger, as sharing feelings and thoughts in an honest and open manner can help partners grow closer on an emotional level. 

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Couples in the early stages of marital counseling may misuse “I” statements. For example, a man might say to his partner, “I hate it when you do not listen to me.” Although this statement does start with “I,” it might still be interpreted as accusatory and may not be the healthiest way to express feelings. A better “I” statement might be, “When you do not listen to what I am saying, I feel ignored and unloved.” Therapists often help those they are treating to practice appropriate “I” statements and explore ways to respond to the feelings that these statements communicate. 

“I” statements are often also effective in family counseling because they focus on the effects of a child or parent’s actions rather than on the action itself. It may be easier for family members to communicate when an action is not singled out for blame, and young adults and adolescents in particular may be more receptive to hearing how their actions have affected others when the language used is not accusatory. 

Many people do not communicate naturally with “I” statements, and it often takes some practice before a person can use them effectively. That said, generally everyone can learn to use “I” messages, including children. 

Some examples of “I” statements: 

A father wants his young child to stop calling him rude names during playtime. 

Common response:“Hey! If you call me a rude name one more time, I’m going to send you straight to bed!” 

“I” statement response: “I feel very sad when I hear rude words because they hurt my feelings. I like playing with people who use nice words.” 

A woman becomes angry when her sister borrows her favorite coat and returns it with stains and a tear. 

Common response: “You ruined my jacket! Are you ever going to grow up?!” 

“I” statement response: “I am upset that my coat was damaged because I can’t afford to replace it. I really appreciate it when the things I loan out are taken care of.” 

A teenage boy is annoyed with his parents, who ask him several times each night if he has completed his homework. 

Common response: “Lay off me!” 

“I” statement response: “I feel frustrated and annoyed when I am reminded over and over to do my homework. I am old enough now to complete my homework without reminders.”(source)

And:

I started to make my kids back up and begin their sentences with the word I. 

I pull them all in the room together and they all talk about their part. Say it with me now “I (fill in the blank with what YOU did).” 

Sounds too simple right? The accusing is gone. They are on the spot to only tell me about their own actions (and it’s pretty easy to fill in the gaps when one of them isn’t telling the truth). It’s also easier to be honest when the person next to you is owning their role and actions. They’ll try to say “I . . . am really mad because so and so hit me.” We back up and I tell them to start over. We’ll stay there until they’ve filled in the blank with their own actions. 

At first, you would have thought I put poison in their mouths and paralyzed their tongues. Those sentences taste bad. They are hard to spit out. They make it hard to speak for kids and grown ups alike. 

We’ve had to work to get those sentences to come out and to come out quickly. 

Sometimes it takes time and a lot of reminding them to stop and work through it but the more they do it the easier it gets and the quicker we resolve things. 

If they go off track, I literally just remind them to say “I” and then fill in the blank with what they did. 

The other sentences that use the word “I” are just as important. “I’m sorry. I did this _____ to you.” Those sentences can be equally hard to spit out. 

Starting a sentence with the word “I” might be one of the most important things we can teach our children. For relationships, for careers, for parenting, for taking responsibility and for advocating for yourself – the word “I” matters. 

It’s not about taking blame, it’s about owning our actions and moving on. I’ve noticed over time that it’s become easier for my kids to not only own what they’ve done, but also to accept it, even laugh about it, and move on. Sometimes we laugh (a lot) because when children actually say out loud what they’ve done, they actually realize how ridiculous it sounds (especially for school aged kids, my pre-schooler still struggles with this piece). 

We’ve had many moments where my oldest says what he actually did to his sisters and he starts laughing (embarrassed) because hearing the words out loud actually illustrates how ridiculous the behavior is. 

From a professional perspective, have you ever been in a meeting or worked with someone where something has gone wrong and the person who “dropped the ball” just can’t raise their hand and say “hey, this is what happened, how can we fix it”? Ever tried to have a conversation with someone who has mastered the art of deflection and passive aggression? Nothing gets solved. 

How much faster does something get fixed when someone admits that it’s broken and how it broke? 

Owning our actions is important. (source)

Listening

Listen, truly listen, to your partner's concerns and complaints without judgment. Much of the time, just having someone listen is all we need for solving problems. Plus it opens the door to confiding. And empathy is crucial. Look at things from your partner's perspective as well as your own. (source)

And:

Work Hard at Clear Communications: When you communicate clearly with your mate, you've dropped ambiguity as a source of conflict. Specificity is a vital part of good communications. This is your ability to say what you want using words and ideas that the other can understand and act on. Specificity begins with being clear in your own mind about what you want. “I want you to go for a walk with me” is an example of a specific, achievable, and measurable goal communication. “I want you to make me happy,” is a common prelude to needless bickering and conflict. Active listening is an important part of clear communications. You listen to understand the point your partner is making. Seek clarification when you are not sure. That simple act helps stop conflicts that can arise when you assume too much. Look for the positives in your mate's statements. You don't have always to agree with your mate's position. Nevertheless, a mate who feels understood is likely to reciprocate. (source)

And:

Holding Listening Sessions 

Research shows that effective communication is a common trait of healthy couples. And at the heart of effective communication is the ability to listen to your partner without judgment. When Sam and I met we were psych grad students, rivals for the same stipends and awards. We were young know-it-alls for whom listening was a foreign ritual. This meant we were drifting farther and farther apart. 

What Saved Us: 

We scheduled FORMAL Ten Minute Listening Sessions with each other every other day. In these sessions, one person gets to talk, free associate, say whatever is on their minds while the other SIMPLY LISTENS with full attention. The listener does not speak. No matter what, we used a clock and honored a full ten minute session. 

Anything that was said in that time was sacred and could not be brought up during an argument! 

Sam and I still use these sessions to get to know each other all over again. 

Mind reading doesn't work. You never really know your partner's world until you listen. (source)

And:

Practice the 10-Minute Rule. Most couples think they talk to each other all the time. But how often do you talk about things that really deepen your understanding of your mate? The happy couples in my study talked to each other frequently—not about their relationship, but about other things—and felt they knew a lot about their partners in four key areas: friends, stressors, life dreams, and values. (source)

And:

Do a “weather” check during the day 

Call your partner at home or at work to see how his or her day is going. This is a great way to adjust expectations so that you’re more in sync when you connect after work. For instance, if your partner is having an awful day, it might be unreasonable to expect him or her to be enthusiastic about something good that happened to you. 

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If there was one key to happiness in love and life and possibly even success, it would be to go into each conversation you have with this commandment to yourself front and foremost in your mind, “Just Listen”and be more interested than interesting, more fascinated than fascinating and more adoring than adorable. (source)

Empathy

Empathy means “the ability to identify with or understand the perspective, experiences, or motivations of another individual and to comprehend and share another individual's emotional state.”

I have never had someone come into my office and say, “My problem is that my partner understands me too much.” Developing empathy for your partner means really understanding what life has been and is like for him or her. Empathy is not some mystical power. It is not magic, intuition, or just the “warm fuzzies.” And make no mistake, empathy is not mind-reading. But, it may just be the next best thing to mind reading in relationships. 

We've all been on the receiving end of empathy. It feels really good, doesn't it? Think of the teachers and bosses you worked hardest for. Chances are, you felt that they connected with you and powerfully understood you. We feel motivated when we feel understood. Our intimate partners, especially, since these are our most powerful emotional bonds, feel motivated when they perceive that they are understood, as well. Empathy, the ability to powerfully understand another person, is invaluable, for that matter, in every human relationship. I have seen incredible positive changes occur between fathers and sons, mothers and daughters, siblings, and, of course, intimate partners who learn and apply this critical skill. 

I describe in my book, Why Can't You Read My Mind?, how empathy as “emotional glue” for couples. I also think of empathy as a bridge that connects one partner to the other. Each of you as partners grew up with their own unique experiences and expectations. Being empathetic is the best way to bridge the gap of your differences. This bridge, when strong, can withstand the inevitable pounding forces of stresses on the relationship, including the demands of children, time, work, financial, and other pressures. In a truly mutual intimate relationship, which means a partnership of shared understanding, partners are stimulated and energized by genuinely empathizing with one another. (source)

And:

Take Time for Empathy: Empathy is a bridge builder. Through this feeling understanding, you experience connectedness. When you recount a sad part of your past, you sense your partner knows how you felt. Acceptance flows from empathy. People who feel accepted normally will think well of those who accept them. (source)

Acceptance

Acceptance. Successful families and couples understand the importance of acceptance. They accept each other as they are, understand each other’s foibles and flaws, and turn toward each other in working our issues. Acceptance calms and soothes insecurities, and conveys safety, security, and trust. Most importantly, acceptance allows for being in the present moment with the ability to take action rather than being reactive, helpless and feeling bad, challenging the reality of what is happening. Acceptance of what is provides the necessary foundations for change, for what can be. (source)

And:

Exhibit Tolerance: By accepting your partner's normal foibles and faults, you set the stage for reciprocation. When in a tolerant mindset, you realize that your partner remains a worthy and important person even when acting disagreeably. With this perspective,you are likely to have fewer lingering conflicts. You'll have an easier time resolving differences. (source)

And:

In approaching relationships, we use the word but to connect contradictory feelings, as if the positive should eliminate the negative and vice versa. In fact, for a relationship to succeed, “and,” NOT “but,” must be the approach we take when linking the inconsistent feelings that are at the heart of all relationships. 

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People use two primary strategies to eradicate internal inconsistency in relationship. 

Either we make the other all good or we make him/her all bad. Both paths are attempts to right the inconsistency, to manipulate the experience in order to feel just one way.To make our experience consistently positive, we disconnect from and deny our negative feelings, the parts of the relationship where we are not getting what we want. Having successfully removed the negative, we can remain in the relationship “pain-free.” 

Ironically, internal criticism can serve as a way of denying negative feelings. Telling ourselves that we are “ungrateful,” “overly demanding,” “impossible to please,” and thus somehow to blame for the deprivation that we are experiencing, is astrategy to reject our pain and thus eradicate the anxiety that contradiction arouses. 

Making the experience consistently negative, on the other hand, requires rejecting the parts of the relationship that bring us joy. The “He’s a louse and I don’t know what I’m doing with him” brand of thinking. In this approach we focus only on the problems, not allowing ourselves to acknowledge or appreciate the reasons we are actually in the relationship. 

The problem with denying a part of our internal experience is that it prevents us from being able to fully experience our lives, to authentically enjoy what is working in our relationship or to change what is not. We cannot cut off a part of our experience without damaging the other parts. We cannot put a blanket over the negative without blunting the positive. So too, when we bury our experience we create an underlying resentment. It is this buried resentment that will destroy the relationship, not the acknowledgment of our contradictory feelings. 

By suppressing the painful parts of a relationship, we are destroying our chance to improve the relationship. We become paralyzed because there is nothing to fix and yet we are unhappy. The difficulty has to be felt first before it can be corrected. While it may seem counter-intuitive to welcome the negative, it is the denial of pain that prevents us from actually becoming happy. 

On the other hand, the denial of the positive aspects of a relationship creates a different kind of stuckness. When we are committed to making our partner all bad, it is actually more difficult to leave him or her. As long as we are unable to acknowledge the positive feelings, we end up staying in the relationship as a way of bringing life to the positive.As long as we are not honoring what we do love in our partner, what we are receiving, we are not free to choose a path, whether to leave or stay. The positive is all tangled up in the staying together and this creates a paralysis of its own. 

Contradiction is truth; both positive and negative exist simultaneously—always. When we operate from a place of and, not but—yes and yes—we relieve the need to make everything one particular way, tidy, easily understood. With permission to include all the ands, the whole of the relationship, we can then determine if what we are receiving is indeed what we need, enough, and conversely if what we are giving up is acceptable to give up. We generate compassion and appreciation for ourselves when we are able to accept the whole picture that is relationship. It is a compassion born of awareness, recognizing the profundity of the choices we are making, whatever they may be. (source)

And:

Recognize that all relationships have their ups and downs and do not ride at a continuous high all the time. Working together through the hard times will make the relationship stronger. 

Make good sense of a bad relationship by examining it as a reflection of your beliefs about yourself. Don't just run away from a bad relationship; you'll only repeat it with the next partner. Use it as a mirror to look at yourself, to understand what in you is creating this relationship. Change yourself before you change your relationship. 

Understand that love is not an absolute, not a limited commodity that you're in of or out of. It's a feeling that ebbs and flows depending on how you treat each other. If you learn new ways to interact, the feelings can come flowing back, often stronger than before. (source)

And:

It isn’t about perfection. 

There isn’t always a utopian equal compromise where both partners are happy and satisfied. You won’t always get what you want when you want it, but that’s kind of the point. You grow more in acceptance and love when your needs are not met. Healthy love means that no one is perfect but assumes that no one is toxic. It isn’t about taking major hits or allowing unacceptable behavior, conduct, and attitudes to continue as a tradeoff for love. (source)

Kindness, Apologies, and Repair Attempts

This section looks at how to handle conflict.

Be willing to be willing. When change or compromise is called for you don't have to accept it immediately. Just being willing to look at things from another perspective can often be enough to help you resolve most differences that occur in an emotionally fit relationship. 

Be kind. Kindness and courtesy are perhaps the most under valued and under used human virtues. Courtesy, communication and kindness can turn conflict into consensus, and controversy into cooperation with a single act of kindness. (source)

And:

Conflict Resolution 

The latest marital research shows that happy couples relate to each other with a golden five-to-one rule. That is, they have five positive, loving exchanges for every critical or negative one. On the other hand, marriages with high degrees of conflict, with lots of contempt, criticism, defensiveness and the silent treatment are unhappy and very likely to fail. 

I noticed that just like the other couples I was counseling Sam and I followed the five-to-one rule all right. But mostly in reverse. In fact, we got so mean to each other that we were riding what love researcher, Dr. John Gottman, calls a horseman of the Apocalypse. In other words, we were doomed. 

What Saved Us: 

We realized that everyone screws up and says stupid things, especially to their partners. People get tired and snappy, irritable and defensive. They can be downright insulting. Everybody can. 

But we wanted to stop our negative moments from exploding into World War III. We both knew that the World War III scenario was killing off our marriage. So we used a signal with each other to transform an incendiary exchange that was heading into battle into one that drew us together. 

We realized that reality is, in a sense, like a ‘movie' we are making all the time. If you want to make a great romance, you need to practice ‘rewinding the tape' when you don't like ‘the take.' We agreed that either of us could call out “Take Two” whenever he/she was hurt or offended by an interaction. Then we would start the interaction all over again and construct it in a more loving win-win way-as a happy improv. If Sam had trouble saying the words I needed to hear on a Take Two, I would teach him and vice versa. This technique has saved us many many times! 

The last time Sam and I were on a plane together we started snapping at each other and then we did a Take Two. I wound up sitting on his lap telling him a joke. The stewardess asked us how long we had been going out together! She was shocked when we answered, “Over 25 years!” (source)

And:

Know your needs and speak up for them clearly. A relationship is not a guessing game. Many people, men as well as women, fear stating their needs and, as a result, camouflage them. The result is disappointment at not getting what they want and anger at a partner for not having met their (unstated) needs. Closeness cannot occur without honesty. Your partner is not a mind reader. 

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View yourselves as a team, which means you are two unique individuals bringing different perspectives and strengths. That is the value of a team—your differences. 

Know how to manage differences; it's the key to success in a relationship. Disagreements don't sink relationships. Name-calling does. Learn how to handle the negative feelings that are the unavoidable byproduct of the differences between two people. Stonewalling or avoiding conflicts is NOT managing them. 

If you don't understand or like something your partner is doing, ask about it and why he or she is doing it. Talk and explore, don't assume. 

Solve problems as they arise. Don't let resentments simmer. Most of what goes wrong in relationships can be traced to hurt feelings, leading partners to erect defenses against one another and to become strangers. Or enemies. 

Learn to negotiate. Modern relationships no longer rely on roles cast by the culture. Couples create their own roles, so that virtually every act requires negotiation. It works best when good will prevails. Because people's needs are fluid and change over time, and life's demands change too, good relationships are negotiated and renegotiated all the time. 

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Sex is good. Pillow talk is better. Sex is easy, intimacy is difficult. It requires honesty, openness, self-disclosure, confiding concerns, fears, sadnesses as well as hopes and dreams. 

Never go to sleep angry. Try a little tenderness. 

Apologize, apologize, apologize. Anyone can make a mistake. Repair attempts are crucial—highly predictive of marital happiness. They can be clumsy or funny, even sarcastic—but willingness to make up after an argument is central to every happy marriage. 

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Cooperate, cooperate, cooperate. Share responsibilities. Relationships work ONLY when they are two-way streets, with much give and take. (source)

And:

Spouses who are friends also make more “repair attempts” during a spat; they say or do things - like make a silly face or bring up a private joke - that keeps anger from escalating out of control. The key point, Gottman reports, is that partners who know each other better know best what will relieve tension in sticky situations - so the fighting stops and the marriage goes on (perhaps) happily ever after. (source)

And:

Be kind to your conflicts: Conflict is an inevitable part of every relationship, but the damage caused by conflict can be addressed and minimized. Conflicts arise when someone becomes reactive to “news of difference.” Successful couples are able to understand their partner’s positions and be sensitive to the depth of meaning the other person has around this issue. Seventy percent of arguments never get resolved, even in the happiest of couples. Understanding each other allows partners to move beyond the hurt of the conflict. Successful couples also monitor and are sensitive to the feelings of their partner, especially negative and hurt feelings. By being tuned into our partners, we ensure that feelings of safety and security are always in the foreground. (source)

And:

Be willing to be willing. When change or compromise is called for you don't have to accept it immediately. Just being willing to look at things from another perspective can often be enough to help you resolve most differences that occur in an emotionally fit relationship. 

Be kind. Kindness and courtesy are perhaps the most under valued and under used human virtues. Courtesy, communication and kindness can turn conflict into consensus, and controversy into cooperation with a single act of kindness. (source)

And:

“Overcome gridlock.” Gottman says that the goal with perpetual problems is for couples to “move from gridlock to dialogue.” What usually underlies gridlock is unfulfilled dreams. “Gridlock is a sign that you have dreams for your life that aren’t being addressed or respected by each other,” Gottman writes. Happy couples believe in the importance of helping each other realize their dreams. 

So the first step in overcoming gridlock is to determine the dream or dreams that are causing your conflict. The next steps include talking to each other about your dreams, taking a break (since some of these talks can get stressful) and making peace with the problem. 

“The goal is to ‘declaw’ the issue, to try to remove the hurt so the problem stops being a source of great pain,” Gottman writes. (source)

These are all, essentially, saying the same thing. Apologies or other repair attempts are crucial, and you must be kind, and willing to try to see the other person's side. Without this, without empathy and compromise, understanding and willingness, you cannot have a healthy relationship.

Morals and Core Values

This section is crucial for any long-term partnerships; regardless of being romantic or platonic.

It has compatibility. 

Beyond chemistry, seek compatibility and you will end up with both. Look for this in key areas — communication styles, conflict resolution, overall resiliency, values, temperaments. If you have too much imbalance and diversity you don’t end up tempering your partner, you end up driving each other further to your extremes. 

The idea that constant chaos and negotiating and drama is a normal part that we just need to work through because we are in love is not only untrue but damaging. How much work is your relationship and for how long? The best relationships have a strong base in compatibility that makes dealing with inevitable ups and downs easier and changes the ratio of work to joy. (source)

And:

Agreement on Sex 

You're both okay with how often you have sex, how you have sex, where you have sex...and there's mutual participation. Sex is not withheld as a punishment. And if you or your partner are not comfortable with an aspect of your sex life, you can talk about it openly, without criticism. 

You also find time to have sex. I don't care how busy or tired the two of you are - there is always time for sex. 

Agreement on Parenting 

There are bascially three main styles of parenting: 

a) Authoritarian: The rules are the rules are the rules. No exceptions. 

b) Authoritative: This is what I refer to as a “Benevolent Dictatorship”. There are rules, and kids can give their input, but the parents have the final say. 

c) Lenient or “Lassiez-faire”: There are minimal rules. 

If the two of you don't agree on a parenting style, you need to talk. Also, if you differ on whether your children should be spanked or not - you need to talk. 

You may have each grown up with different parenting styles - and we each tend to parent the same way we were parented. If you don't have kids yet but are thinking about it, you must, must, must have this conversation with your partner. 

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Equality with Money 

Even if one of you makes more money than the other, you both have an equal say about where your money goes. There are no "hidden accounts", and you decide together before you make large purchases. 

If you are the one in charge of the bill paying, you pay the bills on time. Period. If you can't pay the bills on time, turn over that job to your partner or hire someone to do it for you. 

You decide on separate accounts if sharing a joint account is getting too complicated or frustrating. Does that hurt the intimacy of a relationship? No, it actually helps your intimacy. You are no longer fighting about money. 

Common Goals and Values 

Couples with very different interests can have healthy relationships - what counts is that they share common goals and values. Couples of different religions (or non-religion) and cultural backgrounds can have healthy relationships - what makes a healthy relationship is sharing core beliefs. You may both share the belief that giving back to your community is important. You may both share the belief that extended family members are welcome to live with you at any time. Values and beliefs differ for everyone. 

Common goals include intangibles like raising happy and healthy children, and tangibles like saving up for a house. You can work together on setting one-year, five-year, even ten- and twenty-year goals. Working towards something together strengthens your bond.(source)

And:

Many years ago when I was in college I escaped doing homework by reading a book by Erich Fromm called The Art of Loving. Two sentences in that book seared themselves into my memory. Here’s a somewhat paraphrased version of them. 

1. When you first start choosing people you might love, the attraction goes to folks who are like what you are not. I chuckled thinking of various of my friends at the time, like my quiet and studious small town-Idaho roommate and her flamboyant East Coast athlete boyfriend. 

2. As you mature into your full identity, like a tulip bulb gradually blossoms into a tulip flower, you hopefully will choose people who are like what you like best about yourself.That sentence helped me to know within 24 hours of meeting the man who has now been my husband for over forty years that he was The One. 

Here’s an exercise that can help you implement Fromm’s wise insight to pick Mr. or Ms. Right. 

Close your eyes. Allow images and words to come up as you think about what you like best about yourself. Write them down. List at least three to five attributes. 

After a few minutes re-read what you have written. That will be a description of the person with whom your partnership is meant-to-be. 

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As Robert thought about how central Catholicism was to his identity and Jewishness was to Sherry's, feelings of sadness rose up within him. He realized that to build a cohesive family together one or both of them would have to give up too core a part of his identity.Robert decided that instead of inviting Sherry to move in with him, he would explain his concerns. Together they faced the realities of their different identities, talking openly about what a future together might look like. Their mutual choice at the end was to declare their love for each other, and then part. 

Initially Robert and Sherry both suffered a period of mourning. Eventually however each found new partners. With these more fully-matched spouses, both built highly successful and loving families. (source)

And:

Engage Common Causes: The happiest couples I've known have a common cause. Because they share something special, couples with a common cause stand out from the crowd. A common cause is an activity that both partners support. The cause can be anything from raising children, restoring old houses, exploring new places, dancing, to the relationship itself. Because petty complaints and feuds impede a cause, common cause couples tend to avoid these distractions. 

Celebrate Compatibility: Build on what you are mutually good at doing. For example, couples with objective problem-solving styles have more stable relationships. When you both work cooperatively to find the best solution to your mutual problems, you are also working to raise your “couple IQ.” (source)

And:

Work hard at maintaining closeness. Closeness doesn't happen by itself. In its absence, people drift apart and are susceptible to affairs. A good relationship isn't an end goal; it's a lifelong process maintained through regular attention. 

Take a long-range view. A marriage is an agreement to spend a future together. Check out your dreams with each other regularly to make sure you're both on the same path. Update your dreams regularly. (source)

And:

Cultivate common interests 

After the passion settles down, it’s common to realize that you have few interests in common. But don’t minimize the importance of activities you can do together that you both enjoy. If common interests are not present, happy couples develop them. At the same time, be sure to cultivate interests of your own; this will make you more interesting to your mate and prevent you from appearing too dependent. (source)

And:

“Create shared meaning.” “Marriage isn’t just about raising kids, splitting chores, and making love. It can also have a spiritual dimension that has to do with creating an inner life together — a culture rich with rituals, and an appreciation for your roles and goals that link you, that lead you to understand what it means to be a part of the family you have become,” Gottman says. 

And that’s what it means to develop shared meaning. Happy couples create a family culture that includes both of their dreams. In being open to each other’s perspectives and opinions, happy couples naturally come together. (source)

Positive Thinking

Be grateful. 

Remembering to thank your partner seems simple, but gratitude may provide the everyday dose of spackle that keeps you glued together over the long haul. “Gratitude helps remind us of the good qualities in our partners,” says Sara Algoe, a psychologist at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill. “It reminds people to attend to the others in their lives.” 

In a study of cohabitating couples, on days that one partner expressed more gratitude, the other felt more satisfied with the relationship. “We get into these routines and start taking our partners for granted,” says Algoe. “But gratitude can work as a booster shot, injecting positive emotion into the relationship.” 

A low-quality expression of gratitude focuses on the object— “Thank you for cooking dinner, I was really hungry,” explains Fredrickson. It's much better to focus on the other person: “You're such a great cook; it's so thoughtful of you to cook for me!” 

“A lot of people express their appreciation in self-absorbed ways,” Fredrickson says. “But when the expression of gratitude focuses on the other person, we find the other person walks around feeling better about themselves—and six months later, the relationship is stronger.” 

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Capitalize on good news. 

We expect our partners to provide us with a shoulder to cry on when times are tough—but how couples behave during good times might be even more important. Partners who respond enthusiastically to each other's successes—asking questions, paying compliments, and cheering each other on—report greater relationship satisfaction over time, says Shelly Gable, a researcher at the University of California, Santa Barbara. A couple's ability to “capitalize”—that is, to celebrate each other's positive events—predicts satisfaction better than their commiseration over negative events. 

When something good happens to your partner—a promotion, a compliment from a coworker, or even just a witticism that gets a big laugh—seize the opportunity to make the most of it. You don't need a major event as an excuse to break out the good china. (source)

And:

Thinking positively about your partner. Having positive thoughts about your partner means that you focus on the good, not the bad, in your partner’s personal qualities and character. Ruminating about the things that bother you can only lead you to magnify the small foibles which will make your partner even more irritating to you than you would otherwise feel. People in good relationships engage in “sentiment override,” meaning that they remember more of the favorable than the unfavorable experiences they’ve shared together. (source)

And:

Show Care, Concern, and Positive Regard: Caring and concern feeds positive regard. This combination promotes acceptance. Compared to its alternative, acceptance is heavenly. (source)

And:

Express Admiration and Affection. 

Many of us know to make up after a fight. But research tells us that we build a bank account of positive feelings if we do these “make up” actions before we have a conflict. We build this account balance when we express our love without anything spurring the expression. Such expressions can consist of an unexpected text, a small favor, or a note left near the sink. As the account builds, we tend to override our tendency to see our partner negatively when stress causes irritability, allowing us to use our reservoir of positive feelings to be forgiving. The idea is to look for ways to appreciate and feel fondness for your partner, and express those things—when times are good. (source)

And:

Do small things, often, to make your partner happy. In my study, couples who gave affective affirmation to each other regularly were the happiest. Affective affirmation consists of compliments, help and support, encouragement, and subtle (nonsexual) rewards, such as hand holding. (source)

And:

Focus more on what your partner does right than what he or she does wrong 

If you look for things your partner does wrong, you can always find something. If you look for what he or she does right, you can always find something, too. It all depends on what you want to look for. Happy couples accentuate the positive. (source)

And:

“Nurture your fondness and admiration.” Happy couples respect each other and have a general positive view of each other. Gottman says that fondness and admiration are two of the most important elements in a satisfying and long-term relationship. If these elements are completely missing, the marriage can’t be saved. 

Gottman includes a helpful activity to remind couples of the partner they fell in love with called “I appreciate.” He suggests readers list three or more of their partner’s positive characteristics along with an incident that illustrates each quality. Then read your lists to each other. 

“Turn toward each other instead of away.” Romance isn’t a Caribbean cruise, an expensive meal or a lavish gift. Rather, romance lives and thrives in the everyday, little things. According to Gottman, “[Real-life romance] is kept alive each time you let your spouse know he or she is valued during the grind of everyday life.” 

For instance, romance is leaving an encouraging voicemail for your spouse when you know he’s having a bad day, Gottman says. Or romance is running late but taking a few minutes to listen to your wife’s bad dream and saying that you’ll discuss it later (instead of saying “I don’t have time”). 

Gottman acknowledges that this might seem humdrum, but turning toward each other in these ways is the basis for connection and passion. Couples that turn toward each other have more in their “emotional bank account.” Gottman says that this account distinguishes happy marriages from miserable ones. Happy couples have more goodwill and positivity stored in their bank accounts, so when rough times hit, their emotional savings cushion conflicts and stressors. (source)

And:

They maintain a sense of “love blindness.” 

When we first fall in love with someone, we tend to worship the ground they walk on and see them as the most attractive, smartest and accomplished person in the room. And while we might eventually take our partner off of this pedestal after months and years of being together, maintaining a sense of “love blindness” is actually critical to long-lasting passionate love. 

A University of Geneva review of nearly 500 studies on compatibility couldn't pinpoint any combination of two personality traits in a relationship that predicted long-term romantic love – except for one. One's ability to idealize and maintain positive illusions about their partner - seeing them as good-looking, intelligent, funny and caring, or generally as a “catch” - remained happy with each other on nearly all measures over time. (source)

Positive Activities

Enjoying novel and challenging activities. Like definitely attracts like when it comes to personal interests and hobbies. Spending time together is important, as you’ll see below, but it’s how you spend your time that influences your relationship satisfaction even more. Aron’s self-expansion model, tested in empirical research, suggests that couples can improve their love for each other when they spend their time together exploring new and challenging activities. The O'Leary study identified this factor as especially relevant for men. If you’re going to go bungee jumping for the first time, your relationship will benefit when you and your partner face this challenge together. If you’re not up to bungee jumping, seek out mentally challenging ways to spice up your daily routines. 

Spending time together. If you love someone, you want to spend time with that person, and the more time you spend together, the more your love will grow. The time you spend should include some new and challenging activities, as shown in point #4. However, even spending time together in mundane household activities can enhance your love's intensity. That basement remodeling you’ve been intending to get started can actually become a way for you and your partner to strengthen your emotional bonds. Cooking, gardening, grocery shopping, and even cleaning the house are other ways to bolster your love for each other. (source)

And:

Enjoy Your Partner: At first, you find your mate as someone you like to be near. You laugh together. You feel playful around each other. You enjoy making love together. You see each other as special friends. However, after settling into your relationship, you may get caught up in daily routines, obligations, and personal pursuits. Challenge yourself to break from mundane routines. Make time to enjoy mutually desired activities. You will have fewer hassles. (source)

And:

Play. Across all mammals, play is the universal language of learning. Play shows a capacity for spontaneity and trust in relationships. Play is based upon the ability to pay attention to “news of difference” and to respond with curiosity and kindness. When couples play, each person stops self-consciously monitoring for presentation, and instead begins to enjoy the presence and communication of the other. Playfulness can, and often does exist with seriousness. Playfulness becomes a hallmark of couples and families who are secure with each other and becomes a primary way to help cope with stressful times and situations. 

Little Things Matter, and So Do the Big. Little things are important in showing consideration. They send messages that “I’m thinking about you,” and “you are special to me,” that constantly fortify a secure attachment, while keeping romance alive. Little things are the acts and attitudes of turning towards each other. This can be as simple as sharing the last bites of ice cream to as obvious as repairing the inevitable hurts that come in relationship. This need is as deep as the loving mother responding to her young babies cries for comfort and attention. Successful couples also nurture what is most important for each other and the relationship. Big things from the past include remember those feelings of falling in love and those most special moments. Big things in the present include helping each other to notice and reflect on the blessings of now. Big things in the future are the hopes and dreams together and individually that you hold sacred and nourish. (source)

And:

Knock each other off balance. Want to get more passion into your romance? My research shows that the best way to do this is by implementing change. The changes can be small, but they have to upset the routine enough to make your partner sit up and take notice. (source)

And:

Spending Time Alone As A Couple 

Research shows that couples who report the highest level of satisfactions spend the most amount of time alone together. This means no kids, no friends, no family, no attention-grabbing pets: just the two of you. 

Sam and I were juggling private practices and running a therapy center in the early years of our marriage. Needless to say, at the end of the day we were ready to fall into bed and it sure wasn't for sex! Weekends were spent zooming around on errands and the kids' play dates and activities. But we knew the dangers of continuing on this path. 

What Saved Us: 

We permanently set aside Alone Time twice a week for us, once during the day and once at night. We hired a permanent babysitter and back-up for those times. And for an unbroken string of years, we have kept that time sacred, no matter what. It's been the bedrock that holds us together as best friends. (source)

And:

Go to bed at the same time 

Remember the beginning of your relationship, when you couldn’t wait to go to bed with each other to make love? Happy couples resist the temptation to go to bed at different times. They go to bed at the same time, even if one partner wakes up later to do things while their partner sleeps. And when their skin touches, it still causes each of them to tingle and — unless one or both are completely exhausted — to feel sexually excited. 

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Walk hand-in-hand or side-by-side 

Rather than one partner lagging or dragging behind the other, happy couples walk comfortably hand-in-hand or side-by-side. They know it’s more important to be with their partner than to see the sights along the way. 

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Hug each other as soon as you see each other after work 

Our skin has a memory of “good touch” (loved), “bad touch” (abused) and “no touch” (neglected). Couples who say hello with a hug keep their skin bathed in the “good touch,” which can inoculate your spirit against anonymity in the world. 

Say “I love you” and “Have a good day” every morning 

This is a great way to buy some patience and tolerance as each partner sets out each day to battle traffic jams, long lines and other annoyances. 

Say “Good night” every night, regardless of how you feel 

This tells your partner that, regardless of how upset you are with him or her, you still want to be in the relationship. It says that what you and your partner have is bigger than any single upsetting incident. 

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Be proud to be seen with your partner 

Happy couples are pleased to be seen together and are often in some kind of affectionate contact — hand on hand or hand on shoulder or knee or back of neck. They are not showing off but rather just saying that they belong with each other. (source)

And:

They're always trying new things together. 

Boredom can be a major obstacle to lasting romantic or companionate love, and successful couples find ways to keep things interesting. 

Psychological research has suggested that couples who experience the most intense love are the ones who not only experience a strong physical and emotional attraction to one another, but also who enjoy participating in new or challenging “self-expanding” activities together, Psychology Today reported. 

“Novel and arousing activities are, well, arousing, which people can misattribute as attraction to their partner, reigniting that initial spark,” writes Amie Gordan in the Berkeley Science Review. (source)

And:

Be able to laugh at yourselves. Having a sense of humor about your life and your relationship is one of the keys to thriving. Life throws us many curves and without the ability to see and appreciate the irony, you could end up hating the world and each other. 

Be open to new ideas and experiences. If your partner only wanted to do the things you like to do, life would soon become dull and uninteresting. Having a partner who exposes you to different perspectives and dreams will make your world and soul fulfilled. 

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Be able to give all of your attention. Giving your partner 100% of your attention when they want to talk to you is one of the most bonding and powerful things you can do. Couples who engage in this all too rare ritual have a deeper and more loving relationship. 

Be demonstrative. Couples who touch and hold each other often have fewer arguments, enjoy life more, and stay healthier. Touching is one of the deepest forms of communication. 

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Be available. If your partner has a problem, be the one they call first. Commitment means that you can count on your partner to be there for you when you need them. 

Be proactive. Don't wait for things to go wrong before you make an effort to work on your relationship. Couples who take a relationship inventory and see what they have as well as what it is they might need in the future, are much better prepared for difficulty and have longer lasting, more successful relationships. (source)

And:

Poke fun at each other. 

Playfulness is one of the first casualties of a busy life, says Dacher Keltner. When your life consists of nothing but working, paying bills, cleaning, and sleep, play can disappear from a relationship. “You have to keep it alive by having fun, joking around, using silly nicknames,” he suggests. 

You may think sincere communication is the way to handle a serious issue. But Keltner has found that couples who teased each other in the heat of a conflict felt more connected after the fact. When he staged a conflict discussion in his lab and compared couples who communicated in a direct, logical way with those who made light of the conflict, he found that couples who tease are happier and reach more peaceful resolutions. 

That's because couples who can tease can use that modality to handle the tough stuff in a relationship. Even silly nicknames help turn conflicts into peaceful exchanges, Keltner says, by reminding couples to smile at each other's quirks. So if you're annoyed by a partner's long-standing habit—say, stealing the covers in the middle of the night—try teasing. Calling your partner the Blanket Monster might take the edge off your irritation while reminding your partner to share. Remember to tease in a way that's playful, not hostile; use nonverbal cues that convey you're having fun, like a silly facial expression or a change in tone. 

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Provide support in secret. 

You might think showing a stressed-out partner explicit support—like cooking special meals or running time-consuming errands—will shore up your connection. But overt social support carries a cost: Partners feel obligated, which leads to more stress, found Niall Bolger, a psychologist at Columbia University. 

The most effective support was actually “invisible.” When one partner claimed to be providing support the other partner did not report receiving, the other partner showed more improvement in mood than when receiving explicit support. 

The lesson? Hidden acts of kindness brighten your mate's day, especially when he or she is going through a challenging time. So instead of making grand gestures, find subtle ways to make your partner's life easier: Stock the fridge with a favorite drink or straighten up a cluttered workspace. Being surreptitiously supportive is a good way to exercise your positivity muscle on a small scale. (source)

The 5:1 Ratio

What really separates contented couples from those in deep marital misery is a healthy balance between their positive and negative feelings and actions toward each other. 

Volatile couples, for example, stick together by balancing their frequent arguments with a lot of love and passion. But by balance I do not mean a 50-50 equilibrium. As part of my research I carefully charted the amount of time couples spent fighting versus interacting positively - touching, smiling, paying compliments, laughing, etc. Across the board I found there was a very specific ratio that exists between the amount of positivity and negativity in a stable marriage, whether it is marked by validation, volatility, or conflict avoidance. 

That magic ratio is 5 to 1. As long as there is five times as much positive feeling and interaction between husband and wife as there is negative, the marriage was likely to be stable over time. In contrast, those couples who were heading for divorce were doing far too little on the positive side to compensate for the growing negativity between them. (source)

And:

During conflict discussions, the ratio of positive to negative interactions in relationships headed for divorce is 0.8:1, not 5:1, as it is in stable and happy couples. (source)

And:

In the mathematics of marriage, certain expressions of emotion carry a disproportionate amount of emotional weight. Expressions of contempt, Gottman has found, register at -4. Displays of disgust each count for three points in the negative column. Whining comes in at –1. On the other hand, a display of affection—a smile of sympathy, a touch—registers 4 on the plus side. (source)

Interdependence

Both independence and codependence are unhealthy, and interdependence is the healthy alternative. But what does this mean?

It’s also important to distinguish codependent relationships from interdependent ones. For as defined psychologically, codependence is clearly maladaptive and dysfunctional. It may have a certain mutuality to it, but it’s negatively symbiotic in a way interdependency is not. Having dependency needs isn’t by itself unhealthy. We all have them. In an interdependent relationship, however, each party is able to comfortably rely on the other for help, understanding, and support. It’s a “value added” kind of thing. The relationship contributes to both individuals’ resilience, resourcefulness, and inner strength. All the same, each party remains self-sufficient and self-determining. They maintain a clear identity apart from the relationship and are quite able to stand on their own two feet. 

On the contrary, a codependent union is one where both parties are over-dependent on each other. It’s a relationship in which the two individuals lean so heavily on one another that both of them are left “off-balance.” In their desperately trying to get core dependency needs met, their true identities are distorted, and their development and potential—personally, socially, and professionally—is stifled. The relationship is reciprocal only in that it enables both of them to avoid confronting their worst fears and self-doubts. As opposed to healthy dependency (defined here as interdependence), the codependent individual in such a relationship needs to be needed if they’re to feel okay about themselves. They simply can’t feel this way unless they’re giving themselves up, or “sacrificing,” themselves, for their partner. Sadly, without being depended upon (sometimes, virtually as a lifeline), they feel alone, inadequate, insecure, and unworthy. (source)

And:

Our culture praises independence. We are taught to be strong, never reveal weakness, and above all never rely on others. In theory this approach works great. Never open up to anyone, never rely on anyone, and never get hurt. But this belief has led to one of the most isolated and disconnected cultures to ever walk the planet. 

We feel weak when we express emotion and feel ridiculous for wanting and needing others in our lives. The reality is we are a species that is wired for connection and belonging. Training ourselves to be extremely independent is a huge disservice because when we are in a situation where dependence and reliance is required—such as a romantic relationship—we have no idea how to navigate these foreign waters. We often swing from one extreme to another, operating as either extremely independent or codependent, resulting in unhealthy relationships. 

On the flip side of the coin we have dependence. Many people cringe at the thought of being dependent in a relationship and there is often a very negative connotation that goes along with it. Dependence in itself is not the devil. In fact dependence is a core component of building a secure and lasting relationship. It is defined as relying on another person for support. It is born out of trust. Codependence on the other hand can become problematic in relationships. 

Codependence is defined as excessive emotional or psychological reliance on a partner. Many of us have encountered this feeling at some point in life. It is the feeling of losing yourself in another person. Not knowing where you end and they begin. This can be problematic for several reasons, but chiefly because you need to be a whole person rather than looking for another to complete you. You need to understand your value and worth as a person rather than depending on your partner for it. 

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An interdependent relationship is where both partners are mutually reliant on each other. It is a safe bond where partners can rely on each other but also maintain their autonomous identity. 

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Securely attached individuals are excellent when it comes to the balancing act of interdependence. Due to their positive view of self and others, they tend to see people as dependable and reliable. They trust that people will support them and they are eager to support others. They have a secure sense of who they are and don’t rely on others for their self worth. This means they enter into their relationships not only concerned with their own needs but also the needs of their partner. (source)

And:

Society is highly specialized and interdependent, so that few of us would know how to survive without running water, electricity, and a supermarket. We’re also dependent upon our personal relationships. 

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Codependent couples usually are out of balance. Frequently, there are struggles for power and control. There may be an imbalance of power or one partner may have taken on responsibility for the other. They’re often anxious and resentful and feel guilty and responsible for their partner’s feelings and moods. Then they try to control each another to feel okay and get their needs met. Rather than respect each other’s separateness and individuality, they can’t tolerate disagreement and blame one another for causing their problems without taking responsibility for themselves. Sometimes, what they dislike in their partner is the very thing they can’t accept in themselves. Despite their pain, they can feel trapped in the relationship because they fear that they cannot function on their own. Their mutual codependency and insecurity also makes intimacy threatening, since being honest and known risks rejection or dissolution of their fragile self. 

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What makes interconnections healthy is interdependency, not codependency. Paradoxically, interdependency requires two people capable of autonomy (the ability to function independently). When couples love each other, it’s normal to feel attached, to desire closeness, to be concerned for each another, and to depend upon each other. Their lives are intertwined, and they’re affected by and need each other. However, they share power equally and take responsibility for their own feelings, actions, and contributions to the relationship. Because they have self-esteem, they can manage their thoughts and feelings on their own and don’t have to control someone else to feel okay. They can allow for each other’s differences and honor each another’s separateness. Thus, they’re not afraid to be honest. They can listen to their partner’s feelings and needs without feeling guilty or becoming defensive. Since their self-esteem doesn’t depend upon their partner, they don’t fear intimacy, and independence doesn’t threaten the relationship. In fact, the relationship gives them each more freedom. There’s mutual respect and support for each other’s personal goals, but both are committed to the relationship. (source)

And:

One of my favorite topics in the science of relationships is an existential paradox, or what Dr. Brooke Feeney calls “The Dependency Paradox.”1 

As I described in a previous post, humans have a fundamental need for connection to others, or “relatedness.” But we also need “autonomy” (a sense of independence and the feeling that we have personal control over our behavior).2 Intuition tells us that these needs are distinct, and possibly conflicting. But the “paradox hypothesis” suggests the opposite—people who are more dependent on their partners for support actually experience more independence and autonomy, not less. Logically this is a contradiction, but only to the untrained eye. 

In a laboratory study, experimenters asked one member of a couple to report how much he/she accepted the other’s dependency (e.g., “I am responsive to my partner’s needs”); higher scores indicated more dependency. The other member of the couple was put in a separate room and given some challenging puzzles to complete. The couples were also given computers to communicate via instant messaging (IM), but this was a ruse. 

Participants completing the puzzles thought their partners were on the other end of the computer, but really it was an experimenter delivering IMs with direct assistance (hints, advice, or in some cases, solutions to the puzzles). 

One might think that the participants with more dependency in their relationships would freely accept this assistance, but instead, the opposite pattern emerged. Those with more dependency actually completed more of the puzzles on their own, independently, and were more likely to reject IMs that contained hints or solutions. Paradoxically, dependence and independence went hand in hand. 

In a second study conducted outside the lab, participants listed a personal goal that they would like to achieve on their own in the near future. After 6 months, the experimenters asked participants if they accomplished their goals. Those participants who independently achieved their personal goals (without their partner’s direct assistance) were the ones with more dependency in the relationship. 

How can we explain this paradox? One perspective stems from attachment theory, and it works like this: when you are an infant, you are helpless and you have no choice but to depend on others. You need your parents (and sometimes others in your immediate/extended family) to help you learn, grow, and develop into a fully functioning person.3 The same process continues across the lifespan. Babies and children who are confident that their parents are available to support them grow up to function at a higher level emotionally, socially, and academically later in life. That is also why developmental psychologists label “secure” attachment as “autonomous.”4 

John Bowlby himself said it best: “Paradoxically, the healthy personality when viewed in this light proves by no means as independent as cultural stereotypes suppose. Essential ingredients are a capacity to rely trustingly on others when occasion demands and to know on whom it is appropriate to rely.”5 (source)

And:

My personal insights, gleaned from researching and counseling more than a thousand couples over 35 years, have now merged with a growing body of scientific studies, to the point where I can now say with confidence that we know what love is. It's intuitive and yet not necessarily obvious: It's the continual search for a basic, secure connection with someone else. Through this bond, partners in love become emotionally dependent on each other for nurturing, soothing, and protection. 

We have a wired-in need for emotional contact and responsiveness from significant others. It's a survival response, the driving force of the bond of security a baby seeks with its mother. This observation is at the heart of attachment theory. A great deal of evidence indicates that the need for secure attachment never disappears; it evolves into the adult need for a secure emotional bond with a partner. Think of how a mother lovingly gazes at her baby, just as two lovers stare into each other's eyes. 

Although our culture has framed dependency as a bad thing, a weakness, it is not. Being attached to someone provides our greatest sense of security and safety. It means depending on a partner to respond when you call, to know that you matter to him or her, that you are cherished, and that he will respond to your emotional needs. 

The most basic tenet of attachment theory is that isolation—not just physical isolation but emotional isolation—is traumatizing for human beings. The brain actually codes it as danger. 

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We start out intensely connected to and responsive to our partners. But our level of attentiveness tends to drop off over time. We then experience moments of disconnection, times when we don't express our needs clearly. He is upset and really wants to be comforted, but she leaves him alone, thinking that he wants solitude. These moments are actually inescapable in a relationship. If you're going to dance with someone, you're going to step on each other's feet once in a while. 

Losing the connection with a loved one, however, jeopardizes our sense of security. We experience a primal feeling of panic. It sets off an alarm in the brain's amygdala, our fear center, where we are highly attuned to threats of all kinds. Once the amygdala sends out an alarm, we don't think—we act. The threat can come from the outside world or from our own inner cosmos. It's our perception that counts, not the reality. If we feel abandoned at a moment of need, we are set up to enter a state of panic. 

It's what we do next, after those moments of disconnection, that has a huge impact on the shape of our relationship. Can you turn around and reconnect? If not, you'll start engaging in fights that follow a clear pattern. I call these “demon dialogues.” If they gain momentum, they start to take over and induce a terrible sense of emotional aloneness. Your relationship feels less and less like a safe place, and it starts to unravel. 

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Too often, what couples do not see is that most fights are really protests over emotional disconnection. Underneath all the distress, partners are desperate to know: Are you there for me? Do you need me? Do you rely on me? 

For years, therapists have viewed these demon dialogues as power struggles. They've attempted to resolve couples' fights by teaching them problem-solving skills. But this is a little like offering Kleenex as the cure for viral pneumonia. It ignores the attachment issues that underlie the pattern. Rather than conflict or control, the issue, from an attachment perspective, is emotional distance. 

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When we fight with our partners, we tend to follow the ball as it goes over the net, paying attention to the last barb lobbed at us—and not whether we even want to be in the game at all. It's possible to break out of the demon dialogues, but the first step is to be aware of the game itself, not just the play-by-play. Once you realize you are latched onto your pattern of arguing, you can agree to put the whole game on hold. 

Disappointments are always part of relationships. But you can always choose how you handle them. Will you react defensively, out of fear, or in the spirit of understanding? 

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A man will often say to me, “Even if I do think that she really needs me or is feeling scared, I don't know what to do!” He'll end up making his wife a cup of tea, which is very nice—but it's not what is called for. Had he put his hand on her shoulder and pulled her towards him, however, his bid for connection would have been much more successful. 

Men often say they don't know what to do. Yet men do know how to soothe—they do it with their children, tucking them in at night and whispering gently to them. The difference is, they see their children's vulnerability, and respond to it, but when they look at their wives, they see only someone who is judging them. But she feels vulnerable, too.Touch is the most basic way of connecting with another human being. Taking your partner's hand when she is nervous or touching his shoulder in the middle of an argument can instantly defuse anxiety and anger. 

The world of therapy has been obsessed with maintaining boundaries in recent years. I say our problem is just the opposite—we're all cut off from each other. 

If you watch two people in love, they touch each other all the time. If you watch two people finding their way back into a love relationship, after falling into demon dialogues, they touch each other more, too. They literally reach for each other; it's a tangible sign of their desire for connection. 

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Because attachment is a universal need, the attachment view of love can also help parents understand conflicts with their children. I was recently in a cafe with my teenage son, yelling at him over the roar of the latte machine, while he sulked and huffed. Then suddenly he said, “Mom, we're doing that thing, where I feel like you are criticizing me, and you feel like I don't care what you have to say.” We both started laughing and my anger melted away. 

Now that we know what love is really about, we know how to sustain it. It's up to us to use that knowledge to nurture it with our partners and families. And then, with the empathy and courage it teaches us, we can search for ways to take it out into the world and make a difference. (source)

And:

Maintain Openness and Authenticity: Openness and authenticity cement many great relationships. In an emotionally open relationship, you can let down your guard. You feel comfortable sharing your feelings. You feel free to defend your position without having to defend yourself. You share your vulnerabilities and feelings of love and admiration for your mate. When you and your partner feel natural with each other, your thoughts and movements will flow with compatibility feelings. (source)

And:

“Enhance your love maps.” Love is in the details. That is, happy couples are very much familiar with their partner’s world. According to Gottman, these couples have “a richly detailed love map — my term for that part of your brain where you store all the relevant information about your partner’s life.” You know everything from your partner’s favorite movies to what’s currently stressing them out to some of their life dreams, and they know yours. 

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“Let your partner influence you.” Happy couples are a team that considers each other’s perspective and feelings. They make decisions together and search out common ground. Letting your partner influence you isn’t about having one person hold the reins; it’s about honoring and respecting both people in the relationship. (source)

And:

Use your illusions. 

We may think putting our mates on a pedestal is unrealistic—but in fact, partners who idealize each other wind up happier. Partners in the most satisfied couples rate their mates more positively than the mates rate themselves, finds Sandra Murray, a psychologist at the University at Buffalo (SUNY) who studies positive illusions. 

Similarly, when spouses perceived their partners as being nicer than their actual behavior warranted, they maintained greater long-term satisfaction than spouses who did not idealize each other as much, according to research by Paul Miller, Sylvia Niehuis, and Ted Huston at the University of Texas, Austin. 

So if you value your clear-eyed judgment of others, including your partner, it may be time to ease up a little and concentrate on what you like about your mate. Looking through a soft-focus lens might help you build a genuinely rosier picture over time. 

Find your ideal self—in your partner. 

Happy couples bring out the best in each other. But when partners more closely resemble each other's ideal selves, couples fare better—above and beyond the benefit to the relationship afforded by how similar you are in actuality, says Caryl Rusbult, a psychologist at the Free University of Amsterdam. 

Someone who describes her ideal self as physically fit, for instance, might be happy being with a disciplined athlete; someone who longs to be more creative might thrive with an artistic partner. Rusbult calls this the “Michelangelo effect,” since partners can help “sculpt” each other's best selves by affirming each other's efforts at self-improvement. The aspiring fitness buff, for example, appreciates her athletic partner's reminders to work out. 

So try listing your personal goals. Then think about the qualities you like most in your partner. Chances are, there's overlap between the self you aspire to and the aspects of your partner you appreciate most. Then recruit your partner to help you improve in the domains that matter to you. You'll not only get closer to your ideal self—you'll also feel closer to your partner. 

Notice what's new about your partner. 

Letting your partner surprise you is vital to sustaining excitement in your relationship. But in order to be surprised, you first have to pay attention. 

The problem is that most of us get so familiar with our partners, we stop really noticing them. “But the fact that you stopped looking doesn't mean they've stopped changing,” says Harvard psychologist Ellen Langer. It's only the illusion of stability, Langer says, that leads us to conclude our partners are fixed, static entities. 

“You feel like you've captured who this is in your mind, so you hold them still,” says Langer. “But they're actually growing and changing all the time. Once we think we know another person so well that we don't pay attention to them anymore, the person stops being seen.” 

So take the time to actively notice differences: Look for five things that are different from the last time you looked. These differences can be as simple as a new necktie and as profound as a shift in spiritual beliefs. Taking the time to notice—what she calls “mindful awareness” — increases our engagement with our partner. 

When non-football-fans watch a game while writing down new things they notice about the players and the stadium, they become more enthusiastic about the sport, Langer found. “You develop a passion for what you're engaged in,” she says. 

So become engaged with your partner. Once you begin to really pay attention, you'll be amazed by what you discover. (source)

And:

Make Room in Your Head for the Other Person. 

Our lives are busier than ever. We face demands on the space in our heads every second from emails, texts and other alerts. Our children make demands on us, too, as they should, asking for the attention they deserve. But as we fill our minds with so many bits of information, we're actually happiest when we reserve space in our heads for our partner. Satisfied couples tell us that they fill this space with important information about their significant other, including everyday things like important dates and favorite foods, but also deeper things that mean something to our partners. For example, if there's a song that reminds your partner of a special time in their childhood, keeping that knowledge in your head adds to your private map of him or her. Asking questions about how your partner thinks about things or feels about different parts of life tells them that you care and want to know about them. Couples who love well keep these “love maps” of each other in the forefront of their minds. 

Accept Influence from Each Other. 

Many people define power in relationships as the control we have over each other, but another way to define power is the balance of influence each person has on the other. We all ask our partners to allow us to influence them. We ask for help with the laundry, caring about our feelings, or a moment of undivided attention. Happy relationships consist of not just these efforts to influence or to connect, but accepting those efforts. In other words, if we mostly say “OK” to a request for help (and, of course, then do it) or turn toward our partner when they need us, the interaction affects how we both feel positively. When we fight, there is a special case of the acceptance action—saying “yes” to an effort to repair the breakdown in the relationship. The best of the repair efforts start off with a soft emotional message that includes a word about how the “repairer” might have contributed to the argument. To say “yes,” we turn our feelings and attention to our partner and take ownership over our role in the argument. Repairing an argument is not so much about solving the problem at hand (some problems in relationship just defy being solved)—it’s about managing a fight to fix the distance arguments could cause. If we can avoid that distance, we can stay connected rather than isolated from one another. 

Know Your Partner’s Inner World. 

We live in our heads more than most of us realize. We learn to attach meaning to events or family rituals, to words and gestures. Those meanings create a symbolic world in our thinking—a world often unknown to our partner. Conflicts often stem more from reactions we both have to these meanings than the real situation outside our heads. Thriving relationships consists of each partner’s efforts to learn the other person’s meanings and symbols. Some of the most important parts of that inner world are the dreams we have for our life and relationships. Many of us find it hard to express our dreams, so partners often show love by looking for disappointed hope underneath the argument. As we learn more about each other’s inner world, each of us begins to share the meanings and dreams. We grow to see the relationship serving each other’s dreams and hopes, and spend energy helping our partner fulfill their aspirations for life. A key to happiness in relationships is knowing each other’s meanings and symbols, finding the dreams within conflicts, and creating shared meanings. 

Many pop-psychology authors continue to say that relationships require hard work. I would agree, but only in part. Learning habits like creating love maps or shared meanings can require effort, unless it comes naturally (as it does for some people). But the key to sustaining a happy relationship isn’t doing this hard work all your life, it's learning the habits that will make each other feel happy and safe. When the habits take over (as habits do), the effort stops seeming like work. In fact, we often build such routines into our lives together without thinking about them much at all. At that point, to paraphrase Forrest Gump, “Happy is as happy does.” (source)

Physical Affection

Expressing affection. Feeling love toward your partner is important, but so is expressing that love in physical ways. It’s not wise to play hard to get when your goal is to build the passion in your relationship. The affection you show doesn’t have to be elaborate or overly gushy. A touch on the shoulder or kiss on the cheek is enough to build your relationship’s intensity. 

Being turned on by your partner. Those tiny touches of affection can not only boost your emotional connection to your partner, but also stoke the sexual fires within. The respondents reporting the most intense love for their partner in the O’Leary study said that they felt their bodies responding when their partner touched them. This doesn’t mean a full-out sexual encounter has to follow from that touch on the cheek. Feeling a warm, tingling sensation from your partner’s physical presence is enough to keep the fire inside stoked until the time is right for sexual activity. (source)

And:

Get back in touch. 

Sure, having regular sex does wonders for relationship satisfaction and well-being. But for couples whose sex life is stalled, even just a little warm touch can make a difference.A simple “listening touch” exercise, in which partners gently touch each other's neck, shoulders, and hands, increases oxytocin, a hormone that facilitates bonding, and reduces partners' blood pressure and physiological stress levels, found a team of researchers from Brigham State University and the University of Utah. 

“Cultivating 'body sense' awareness on one's own and with one's partner is essential, not only for a good sexual relationship but during any close encounter,” says Alan Fogel, a University of Utah psychologist who helped develop the touch intervention. 

In other words, you can reap the benefits of physical closeness even when you don't have the time or energy for full-blown intimacy. Just a quick hug or backrub can boost your mood—and your connection with your mate. (source)

And:

Planning for Sex 

Sex releases oxytocin, which is the cuddle or bonding hormone. This is the powerful hormone that triggers the nurturing instinct toward newborns. Sex also creates a shared endorphin release-so that the partners associate feeling good with each other. On the other hand, infidelity is the biggest love buster. So having regular sex is a good thing. 

After we had kids, Sam and I made the same ridiculous choices that other young couples make, such as going to the Home Depot, Wal-Mart or Toys R Us instead of making love. We rushed around until we had finally checked off our entire to-do list, except for the last item. The most important activity of all. Then we wondered why we didn't feel connected with each other. 

What Saved Us: 

We set aside time when sex was moved all the way up on the to-do list, to number one. We made one of our weekly dates into a Regular Sexy Encounter where we played with toys, lingerie and videos, all in the context of having an affair – with each other. To get going on this path I would ask myself, "Would you be wearing this ratty bathrobe if you were meeting your new lover? What would you be doing or saying?" And Sam would do the same. If one of us wasn't in the mood, he or she would start to fool around anyway. And sure enough, the mood turned around and heated up. 

Couples expect spontaneous great sex to happen like in the movies. But after a couple has been together awhile great sex takes planning. Then the spontaneity happens. It's like going to an amusement park. You need to buy the tickets, do a mapquest and clear your schedules; then you ride the roller coaster. (source)

And:

Be demonstrative. Couples who touch and hold each other often have fewer arguments, enjoy life more, and stay healthier. Touching is one of the deepest forms of communication. (source)

The importance of touch and physical affection goes far beyond this guide to healthy relationships. For more on this subject, see my Feminism Basics essay and my Feminism and Love essay.

Overall

Healthy love is not exempt from challenge, effort, compassion, and compromise, but its characteristics do set it apart. 

It is not deficit-based. 

It is not two halves making a whole, one person satisfying another’s needs, one completing another. It’s a mutual balancing of give and take out of fullness, not lack. 

It holds personal accountability at its core. 

There is stability when each member of a couple has done his or her own work. You take care of yourself and your health in all ways, body, mind and soul, and so does your partner. When you really practice self-care and are accountable for being your best, you are in a better position to give to another. 

If you want a healthy relationship you must begin by being healthy yourself and doing whatever healing of your past is necessary. We all have history from our family of origin and previous relationships. If we didn’t have good examples or experiences, we often bring those scabby wounds with us to be reopened by the next relationship. Look for patterns in your life and acknowledge your own baggage so that you aren’t bringing your own toxins into the relationship. (source)